Bikezilla

Ride the Puddles

How to Reinvigorate Professional Cycling

Posted by bikezilla on March 21, 2011


It was asked on Twitter, “How would you reinvigorate professional cycling?”

Most fans are saying things like, “Work out the TV rights! We need more TV coverage! It’s hard to follow a sport when you can’t even watch it! I’m totally willing to pay for cycling coverage!”

Boooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrringggggggggggggggg. ::Yawn::

Here, I’ll link to a couple examples of the more mundane and ho-hum nonsense some people are putting out there.

Here’s Podium Insight’s silly ideas

And here is Jonathan Vaughters’ “exciting” list.

I’ve had some wonderful and truly thrilling ideas, all unfairly dismissed off hand.

So I’ll present them here, to a more reasonable and receptive audience.

1. Abandon UCI, and burn Pat McQuaid at the stake.

Imagine if you will the final day of the Tour de France, and as the peloton pours into the the Champs-Elysees the torch is thrown onto McQuaid’s oil-soaked pyre, perched atop the Arc de Triomphe. They ride round and round him, his screams echoing ever higher, until finally, as the first rider completes the final circuit, his screams fade to nothing as he croaks.

Shoot, I’d pay to see that.

My eyes are all misty just writing about it.

2. International Poke Lance Armstrong in the Eye Day.

For the countless millions of cycling fans who are sick to death of hearing Lance Armstrong’s name sang endlessly and ever more loudly, even though he’s no longer racing.

But it isn’t restricted merely to Lance himself (or for Lance fanboys, Himself). Any member of Lance’s family and any employee of Versus sports and their families can be poked in the eye, too. As many times as you want, all day long.

One day not enough? How about International Poke Lance Armstrong in the Eye MONTH!

3. Don’t allow Sean Kelly to ever speak publicly again.

Ever feel like you’re fighting not to gag while listening to Kelly seem to talk around a giant mouthful of something nasty?

No more!

And if he won’t comply, then we’ll add him to the list of targets for International Poke Lance Armstrong in the Eye Month.

4. Require the entire peloton to wear Jens Voigt masks.

Yes, for every race.

If one Jens is exciting, imagine the thrill of 200 Jens racing EVERY race!

5. UCI Sacrificial Lamb of the Race.

This one I think would be a HUGE draw.

For every race all season long, one member of upper UCI management is slaughtered at some point in the race (I suppose at the finish would be most dramatic and suspenseful) in some hideous medeval manner.

What could be more thrilling?

6. Up the requirement for the minimum number of fans who run beside the peloton in nothing but undies and a flag-cape.

Why stop at a mere handful of whackjobs when you can have hundreds?

And maybe increase the number of fans who’ll reach out and touch, poke and snatch at various parts of the riders, too.

Imagine the excitement when literally at any moment some half naked middleaged fat guy might be seen streaking across the screen in chase of some bewildered rider?

Now top that with the endless suspense of anyone in the crowd being able to grab hold of any rider they please for any reason they wish at any time.

Talk about excitement!

7. Topless podium girls.

Does this really need explanation?

And if you could, maybe, just perhaps, get Lucy Liu to be a podium girl, I’d be sooooooooo appreciative.

In a spirit of fairness, and to acknowledge that women’s races have needed some kind of boost for years, topless podium guys for the ladies.

If that doesn’t get the job done, how about Podium Prostitutes all around?

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