Bikezilla

Ride the Puddles

The Bikezilla Awards

Posted by bikezilla on January 14, 2011


These awards are highly coveted by the crack smoking members of the elite peloton, teams and managers, as well as the likewise crack smoking members of cycling news outlets and bloggers.

The rest? Not so much.

Our awards today are based on 2010 performances.

— The Bikezilla Coolest Dork Award goes to: Jonathan Vaugters;

The glasses, sideburns and black turtleneck make him look like a small town poet. You know, like the guy who casually scars you for life because he has to tell each person he meets that he never wears underpants, because, hey, he’s a poet.

But he’s so much more!

Former Lance Armstrong teammate, owner of Garmin – Cervelo, CEO of Slipstream Sports, half-azzed organizer of professional cyclists through his presidency of IAPCT (I still haven’t figured out if that’s the same organization as APC, and when the fook you gonna actually ORGANIZE the damn riders?), really smart guy who genuinely cares about his riders as human beings even before he cares about them as cyclists, Bill Gates younger brother.

And he gave me the most fantastic compliment about a year ago: “I love your passion for the sport.”

— The Bikezilla Coolest Cycling Wife / Girlfriend Award goes to: Chiara Passerini aka Cadel Evans’ wife.

Though I think that in coming years Amber Meier aka Christian Meier’s wife, will give her some difficult competition.

— The Bikezilla Baddest Sprint Team Award goes to: duh, HTC.

It isn’t just Mark Cavendish, the entire sprint train is amazing to the point that it seems like other teams are actually intimidated and demoralized when they know they’re up against these guys.

Jonathan, when you read this, I just want you to know that your guys are just too damned nice to break into the number one spot. Until they get a mental edge and compete with a touch of nasty, they aren’t gonna be able to do much besides admire Cav’s arse as he crosses the line ahead of them again and again and again.

— The Bikezilla Rollercoaster Press Award goes to: PEZ Cycling News.

These guys typically put out some really badly written stuff that I usually can’t even finish. But when they’re on, biatches they are ON. Their best stuff just blows away the other cycling mags. I mean it blows them right out of the water with explosions and blood and pieces of stuff flying everywhere.

Dudes, more consistency in the “blow me away” stuff would be soooooo appreciated.

— The Bikezilla Love to Hate You Award goes to: Johan Bruyneel.

I admit, we (“we” being me) here at Bikezilla mostly hate ole Johan (and not only because he’s blocked us from his Twitter account for asking inconvenient questions), and we not so secretly laugh at his ill fortune for being suspended from the coolest races for 2 months because he and his Radioskank team were such tools about the whole alternate jersey thing at last year’s Tour. But the man knows how to run a cycling team (at least until he runs into the smallest lil bump at a race and plan A falls to shiite and he just totally gives up on his entire team).

And he has a real passion for getting riders and teams organized. At least he claims to. We’ve yet to see sign one that he’s actually done a damned thing to promote that.

Maybe Jonathan Vaughters is his secret alter-ego.

— The Bikezilla Love to Hate You, Blogger Award goes to: Fat Cyclist.

Fatty is an unapologetic Lanceophile. He proudly wears the Lance-shiite permanently perched upon the tip of his nose.

And he’s a merciless, fund-raising kraken (no, not “crack head” :rolling eyes::) in the fight to find a cure for cancer. His efforts and his results absolutely astound me.

On top of those he’s just freakin’ . . . nice! I hate that!

— The Bikezilla Dumpster Digger Award goes to: Bicycle With Me.

S/he is relentless in the search for cycling related articles and comes up with piece after piece that I’d never find on my own.

New to the dumpster digging scene, but catching up on Bicycle With Me fast due to their Daily, is Twit Rides.

But I think that, unlike Bicycle With Me, Lex at Twit Rides actually takes time to sleep, eat and work.

— The Bikezilla All Class Award goes to: Carlos Sastre.

A quiet, patient, intelligent rider, and still tough enough to ride all three Grand Tours in a single season and place respectably or better in all of them.

The peloton will be a little shittier when he’s gone.

— The Bikezilla Class and Badass Award goes to: Cadel Evans.

Dude, he rode a respectable Tour with a broken elbow AND was more upset about failing his teammates than with his injury or his placing.

Ok, sure, he’s also head-butted a journo and threatened to cut another’s head off, but that was in the past and I think convincing Chiara to marry him totally trumps all that.

I know, some of you will whine and say that this award actually belongs to Jens Voigt, but there actually is no award worthy of Jens Voigt.

— The Bikezilla Tear My Heart Out, Toss It On The Ground, Stump On It, Spit On It and Take A Dump On It Award goes to: Ezequiel Mosquera for seeming to ride an emotionally beautiful and inspiring Vuelta, only to be revealed as a dope sucking scumbag.

May ninjas assassinate your entire gene pool.

— The Bikezilla Crybaby Wank Award goes to: Mark Cavendish for . . . well, for being a crybaby wank.

— The Bikezilla Lord High Grand Douchebag Award goes to: Lance Armstrong.

Just one example: Lance shoves an old man against a fence, then turns around and flips the guy off.

Eye of the tiger, Lance. Eye of the tiger.

— The Bikezilla Please Shut Up Now Award goes to: Alberto Contador.

Really, Alberto, just shut the fook up. We’re tired of you promising to shut up and then continuing to whine about the unfairness of your doping investigation and beating the “the damned cow had it in for me” drum.

It isn’t like this is your first brush with all of this, so even if you didn’t do it this time, maybe, I mean, just perhaps, you deserve what you’re getting for previous infractions that you weaseled out of.

But I digress.

— The Bikezilla All Heart Award goes to: Robbie “Head-Butt” McEwen.

At over 1,000 years old (in cycling years) no one would have been surprised nor have thought bad things about him if Head-Butt had just hung up his cleats after his knee vs signpost accident (for those of you not following closely, the signpost won) about seasons ago.

But Head-Butt attacked his rehab the way he used to attack a sprint, with no mercy. Unlike the way he used to attack a sprint, there was no pissing and moaning about how unfairly he was treated and how he was really just a woefully misunderstood waif searching endlessly for a bit of love, a place to call his own, and maybe, just maybe a family to wrap their arms around his sweet head at the end of a hard race and a totally unreasonable disqualification.

No, there was none of that. He muttered not a single word of complaint, though the pain of rehab must have been excruciating.

Now he puts that same (mostly) uncomplaining awesomeness into his sprints.

Sadly, he’s become a model citizen.

But, again, I digress.

— The Bikezilla The World is an Imperfect Place Award goes to:

Igor Anton for crashing (actually leaving an enormous chunk of his arse scraped across the pavement) out of the Vuelta with 6km to go in Stage 14 when he had ridden a gorgeous race, held the Red jersey and very likely would have won the whole damned thing.

Honestly, I still say, “ouch” for you every time I think about this.

— The Bikezilla Takin’ Fabian Down Award goes to:

Phillipe Gilbert.

He’s so good that he was the Peloton’s (as in the Elite pros that he competes against all year) overwhelming favorite to win the Worlds in Geelong (which he managed to blow, but whatev).

If Fabian Cancellara is the baddest Classics racer in the world right now, Gilbert (it still kills me to have to pronounce that “Jill Bear”) is hot on his saddle and ready to shoot him down like a dog in the gutter.

Ummmmm, maybe.

— The Bikezilla Grossly Overlooked, Entirely Underrated and Totally Unappreciated Award goes to:

Joaquin Rodriguez.

Or is it Rodriguez hot on Fabian’s saddle?

Come on, seriously, how many of you would have DREAMED at the start of last season that this guy was gonna snatch the #1 rider honors by the end of the year?

Totally as an aside, I take full credit for all spelling and typographical errors, as well as all editorial sloppiness and laziness of any kind that you might happen to stumble across while reading this or any article on Bikezilla and Food. Work. Life.

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