Ride the Puddles

Bikezilla Helps the World (for FREE!): Part 2

Posted by bikezilla on November 20, 2010

Once again I effortlessly dwarf Fatty’s efforts at world betterment, by selflessly dispensing my wit and wisdom.

Cry, fat man, cry! And all you mewling little Fattyophiles, too. Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha!

— Q: What does it mean if a girl touches you many times during math and acts like it’s an accident or mimics you?

A: Duh, she’s interested in you. She lacks the maturity or confidence to be open about it. She’s scared either of what you’ll say and how you’ll react, or of what others will say and how they’ll react.

Regardless of your interest or lack of interest, you’re a f**kin’ dou**e bag if you use this opportunity to embarrass or humiliate her.

— Q: Did you have an exciting last weekend?

A: You stand before the wise and powerful Bikezilla and THIS is the best question you can come up with? ::SIGH::


If by “exciting” you mean, did I go to the grocery store, cook, clean, read and watch movies, then my weekend was an adrenaline rush.


— Q: Should you move in with your boyfriend when you’re only 18?

A: I don’t think living with someone before you’re married is ever a good idea. But, 18 yr olds are supposed to do stoopit shiite, and we already know that whatever relationship they’re in at that age is doomed to failure anyway, so what’s it hurt?

And the sooner they leave mommy and daddy and get out on their own, even if “on their own” is with a bf or friend, the sooner they start collecting meaningful life experience and growing.

So don’t just “allow” them to move in with their doomed-beloved, boot they azz out da door, with a hearty fare-thee-well, Dawg.

— Q: When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

A: My ex wife, and if there’s any leftover, children between the ages of 3 and 7.

My little sisters were professional dog food testers at that age.

— Q: What is your favorite time of day?

A: Nap time.

— Q: Have you ever faked sick?

A: Yes, but I’ve never faked sick and tired.

— Q: Who’s your favorite director and why?

A: Sebastian Gutierrez “Rise”. Lucy Liu. Naked.

— Q: How do you make a banana split?

A: Tell it to leave. They’re usually pretty cool like that.

— Q: Should I tell my ex that I still like him?

A: Probably not. This is almost always a stupid idea. How many exes have you gone back with?

How many times did it last? None, that’s how many.

But, is it gonna turn into an obsession that destroys your next relationship if you don’t?

You should at least make an honest evaluation of why you aren’t with him, first, then ask, “will things be different or will the same poison destroy us again?”.

— Q: Why is Friday 13th considered unlucky, considering that the Last Supper was on Thursday?

A: Friday the 13th has a long and tragic history.

Friday the 13th is the day that ho, Eve, tricked poor, sweet Adam into biting the apple; It’s the day the great flood began; The day Maximus was betrayed; The day Wonka’s factory shut its gates FOREVER; And the day I met my ex-wife.

It’s enough to make ya cry.

— Q: Name the most terrifying moment of your life so far.

A: After my truly evil foster brother, Doug, suck started a shotgun, I was laying in my bed one night and heard him come down the stairs, walk down the hall and enter my room. I pulled my blanket over my head and could SEE him silhouetted in the doorway. I tried screaming so my dad would come save me, but my throat was so constricted from fear that barely a sound came out. I stayed there with my head under my blanket, trembling for hours and wouldn’t sleep alone in that house after that.

— Q: If you could have a dinner Party with any 3 people in the world, who would you invite?

A: Lucy Liu, Natalie Mendoza, Kelly Clarkson.

— Q: Do you ever feel like you are incapable of loving another person?

A: No, but I have so many other issues that maybe God thought dumping this one on the heap would have been just a bit too much.

Q: How in the world is it possible to have a civil war?

A: Easy. You spend all day killing each other, but before you break for dinner, you shake hands and congratulate each other for a battle well fought.

— Q: Do you ever worry about becoming old, alone and referred to as “the weirdo with all the cats”?

A: It occupies my every waking moment.

— Q: What is the most venomous or poisonous animal?

A: My ex-wife.

— Q: Can you tell me in a few seconds what is a brick useful for?

A: Throwing through windows, holding down paper, propping a door open . . oops, time’s up.

— Q: What is the lint in your navel called?

A: Disgusting.

— Q: What is your worst dating experience?

A: All the dates that lead to getting married.

— Q: Do you think you’re cute?

A: Cute? Biatch, I’m smokin’ azz hot.

— What is the one thing you never say to an ex?

A: “Hello”


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