Ride the Puddles

Bikezilla Helps the World (for FREE!): Part 1

Posted by bikezilla on November 14, 2010

Ya know how Fatty does all this fund raising and is always giving away ridiculously hot bikes while he’s also collecting insane thousands of $$$$$$$$ for cancer?

Well, to mangle a Denzel Washington quote; Fatty. Ain’t got nothin’. On ME!

Because, I, dear people, am about to grant you my ageless wisdom regarding many amazingly important life issues and I’m not even gonna make you ride your bike on a trainer for 100 merciless and godawful miles.

Plus, I’m still recovering from being dumped (unfollowed) by my hottest Twitter follower and I need a distraction to help mend my poor, traumatized heart.

So here are some fabulous insights to the workings or my brilliant mind, plus the answers to all your most probing questions about life, the universe and everything, kindly asked to me by some anonymous pest on

–Q: What is “life after death”?

A: Divorce.

— Q: Are there any small non-aggressive fish that may be kept in a tank with your betta?

A: There are bunches of fish that are compatible with bettas.

No ciclids, no fish with big fins (angel fish, butterfly fish). Ciclids have anger management issues. They are nasty, aggressive, violent fish and should only be kept with other nasty, aggressive, violent fish that also suffer from anger management issues. They do marvelously well with the dreaded Ex-Wife fish.

Your betta will eat the fins of those others.

But back to your question.

Any kind of tetra or loach is great with your betta, so are plecos, suckers, catfish, swordtails, mollies and any type of false shark (black shark, iridescent shark).

— Have you had an erotic dream? What was it about?

Yes, I’ve had several. They were about sex. Duh.

— Is there something about my BF that I hope to change?

Yes, you wish he was me. And, if you’re hot I’m totally available.

— If you and your spouse have disagreements about child rearing,what methods do you use?

I prefer the “The Man is Always Right” method of conflict resolution.

— What kind of wife do you want?

The kind with mad ninja skills and mob connections, so she can assassinate my ex wife, but only after breaking her knees.

— Do you believe everything happens for a reason?

Hell mofo yes.

— What was the name of Cesar Chavez’s first baby?


— What do you do in leisure time?

Answer stupid auto-generated and anonymous questions on FormAsk.

— What do you think of women wearing high heels?

Is this a trick question? I LOVE it! Unless they walk like Frankenstein in them.

— I spend all my time with him? Nothing is ever good enough for him? Is it worth staying?

Do you have even an ounce of self-esteem? There are worse things than being alone. Being treated like you’re second rate is one of them.

Cheer up. As soon as you try to leave he’ll promise it’ll be different. That’ll give you a chance to be his practice dummy, until he knows you aren’t leaving anyway, then you can go back to being his punching bag.

Put on your fookin’ big girl pants, get out, learn how to be on your own and happy by yourself.

Or stay and keep whining about how unfair it all is while not having the guts to do anything about it. Whatev.

— How do you choose your friends:

Russian roulette.

— What is your greatest weakness?

Fresh ham with crisp skin, but my Dad’s homemade cream puffs are right up there.

— Who is your dream date today?

The same woman it would have been yesterday.

— How do I move on when he’s still in my life, and when he still loves me?

For $80 an hour we can talk about that.

— Do you use Yahoo messenger?

Yes, but I don’t feel bad, because it uses me, too.

— Why do lizards to pushups?

To show off for girl lizards.

— What should I do if I injure myself with a used needle?

Start running down your bucket list.

— What were the names of the Wise Men?

George, Thomas and Benjaman.

— Are you tired of hearing the term “reverse racism” and “reverse discrimination”?

I’m a white male over 45. I’m tired of LIVING reverse racism / discrimination.

— Were you a part of the popular or elite crowd in your high school? Why or why not?

I thought all the “crowds” were stupid, pathetic losers. Some things never change.

— Should boys be treated the same as girls? Should they have the same rules for conduct? Should you have the same expectations for their sexual behavior?

Boys are evil. We should all be destroyed. In our defense, we can’t help it. It’s a pe**s thing.

Yes. Yes.

— What is the meaning of life?

A Monty Python movie, which was not as good as “The Holy Grail”.

— Right handed or left handed?


— Have you ever thought of someone who you would consider “hot” or “cute” to be creepy?

Once the creepiness creeps in the “hot” vanishes. Interesting how they can’t co-exist in the same organism.

— Does hell exist?

Why do you think I got divorced?

And so ends Part 1.

Fund raising. Bah.


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